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I look well but you should see my insides

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insides

“You look well” – thank you, I’ll take that!

I’m sat next to patients waiting on their chemotherapy treatment – the “Chemo Ward” sign above the door gives it away.  I’m here for my 28-day cycle injection of Lanreotide which will hopefully keep my Neuroendocrine Tumours at bay. I look all around, the temporary beds and the waiting room are full and all I can see is people who don’t look as well as I do.

No matter how many visits I make, I can’t help feeling out of place on a Cancer ward. I’m not sure why I feel like this; after all, I’ve had some very scary surgery and I’m still being treated after 6 years. However, this thought doesn’t seem to balance it out – some of these people may also have had surgery and are now having adjuvant chemotherapy to get rid of remaining cells.  Others could be heading for surgery after their chemotherapy treatment reduces the tumour bulk (neoadjuvant).

But isn’t that the same as me having 2 months of somatostatin analogue treatment plus a liver embolization in preparation for my surgery…. and then a further (albeit aborted) liver embolization after?  Perhaps the same principle but somehow this still doesn’t seem to balance out as some may have been undergoing palliative treatment to extend life.  Perhaps administration of somatostatin analogues can be considered palliative in the brave new world of ‘incurable but treatable’?  Additionally, I suspect most of the people I saw today are probably destined to lose their hair – at least I didn’t have to suffer that distressing side effect – although I do put up with many others – it takes gut to Live with Neuroendocrine Cancer.

I guess there’s just something conspicuous about chemotherapy and its side effects that aligns with most people’s view of a standard cancer treatment regime.  People automatically assume you get chemo for any cancer and I have been asked by one or two people why I’m not getting it!  I wish all those people I saw today well and hope they all get through their chemo treatment.

I think the perceptions of cancer patients can be somewhat stereotyped and people generally expect to see ill and poorly people when they see people with cancer – both at the point of diagnosis and during treatment. That said, some cancers can be as invisible after the treatment as they were before diagnosis.  I have metastatic and incurable Neuroendocrine Cancer but I looked well at diagnosis and I look well today.

I actually love it when someone, having found out I have incurable cancer, says “you look really well”.  I’m not annoyed by that.  I’m glad I look well, I mean, who wants to look unwell?  But please don’t tell me I have a ‘good’ cancer!

I’m not after their pity and I guess they are just being kind despite any obvious awkwardness.  So I just smile and say thank you. If I’m feeling mischievous, I wink and say “yes, I may look well but you should see my insides”. Sometimes they ask about that which then presents another awareness opportunity 😅

Thanks for reading

Ronny Allan

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18 Comments

  1. pheofabulous says:

    If you have read my blog, you know I am not well – not one bit. However, it doesn’t stop me from sitting through hours of pheo attacks in order to keep my ‘fab’ because i’ll be dead before my disease takes that away from me. LOL My pain doctor had to pre-warn the other doctor taking over my case “Don’t let her appearance fool you, she’s in A LOT of pain, she just smiles a lot and is really pleasant – it’s very deceiving!” ❤ Great post, as usual. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Caroline jenkins says:

    I have lung metastases etc from a bilateral carotid paraganglinoma which has reached my skull base NET and made a mess of all my nerves and parasympathetic system which every doctor I have seen explains how rare this is I have had long surgeries radiotherapy chemo all of which my body reacted too and rejected the chemo as a last resort I’m still here day by day coping with the flushing sweating breathlessness etc fighting my through each day with a smile and my makeup with my heap of pills and potions firmly by my side to get through..But as you explained my insides are a jumbled up mess my head is determined but I do feel such a Freud and freak when people say “but you look so well” so thank you Ronny my new mantra is ‘ yes thank you, but you should my insides!’ Keep blogging and giving us all a giggle and a smile. For that I’m grateful xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • ronnyallan says:

      Oh dear Caroline, you’ve been in the wars. However, it’s good that you are not pitying yourself and getting on with it. Giggling and smiling is good too because it’s medicine. 😁

      Like

  3. Nancy Teixeira says:

    After 20 yrs..living with it, not dying from it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. […] Oh, and apparently I look well 🙂  However, you should see my insides!  […]

    Like

  5. edebock says:

    I know what you mean, Ronny. I sometimes feel almost guilty walking through the cancer clinic because I look and probably feel so much better than most of the other patients. My NETS was diagnosed almost two years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. yolonda outlaw says:

    Most days I feel so exhauste and short of breath. I’ve had surgery and NET has been removed but the after affects and the long term teatment is so depressing. Most days I’m in tears when no one is around. I put up an awesome front because people judge how my health is based on my outward appearance. I too help others and it makes me feel healthier.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ronnyallan says:

      sorry to hear that Yolonda. I don’t know how long it is since you’ve had surgery but things should improve otherwise you need to go seek help. It’s important to find a new normal for you but it needs to be a positive normal too. You need to do more of the things that make you feel better. It might also be useful to join a support group (even online) and meet others in a similar situation. Talking helps.

      Ronny

      Like

    • Yolanda says:

      Yolanda,
      I know what you are going through. Just completed second surgery.It took some time before things got better.After second it got better much quicker for me.I Will pray for quicker recovery and feeling well.You will be in my prayers.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Dorothy knight says:

    Hi Ronny, My reply to but you look so good is, thank you but don’t look under the bonnet. Keep well, we all enjoy your information and encouragement.
    Dorothy K

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Greg Siner says:

    Ronny,
    I feel the same as you do. I have lung cancer with no symptoms other than a chronic cough. I look good and feel pretty good even after my third week of chemo and radiation. But I can’t help but feel for the others I see with cancer that look bad. I always encourage them with a smile or kind word. It seems to make their day. God Bless Ronny and good luck with your treatments.
    Greg

    Like

  9. Ed says:

    You know, I understand exactly what you mean. It’s crazy but people look at your outward appearance and make quick judgements. It’s not right but it’s how people are.

    Here’s my trick to feeling more comfortable in that situation. I PRETEND that I’m healthy. It sounds crazy but it helps. I pretend that I’m healthy and look for opportunities to help others through an encouraging word, advice, a smile, picking up something they may have dropped. Things like that. It does wonders for you mentally AND sometimes you get to actually help somebody and THAT will put you on cloud nine!

    Stay Strong,
    Ed

    Like

  10. Reblogged this on Tony Reynolds Blog and commented:
    Looks can be very deceiving. Good reasons for not labeling people, read and learn!

    Liked by 2 people

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